Title: Saving Private Kibum, and then some
Pairing: Donghae-centric. Pairings left and right.
Rating: R, for vaguely descriptive sexual situations
Genre: Comedic romance. As in, there's humor, smut, and angst, with a rather random plot.
Word Count: 10,414.
Summary: Cheating on a boyfriend is difficult when he happens to be telepathic, but then he has to go off getting abducted by aliens too. And if Donghae doesn't think things can get any worse, there's always Eunhyuk's persuasive attempts to get into his pants... or into his bed, whichever's easier.
Saving Private Kibum, and then some - part 1
It starts off in elated spirits, the typical afterglow of post-sex blurring the sense of reality and rationality. Donghae’s smile is goofy, though it always is, and taking glances at the naked man next to him only seems to add an air of lunatic happiness to his face.
But it’s only after several minutes of snuggling when Donghae realizes the weight of it all, and without even giving Eunhyuk a fair warning he (quite literally) jumps out of bed and desperately begins putting on his clothes.
When Eunhyuk weakly questions Donghae’s sudden behavior, Donghae almost screams his response.
“Kibum’s going to kill me when he finds out I’ve cheated on him!”
Eunhyuk only offers a devious grin. “Then don’t tell him.”
“But you don’t understand!” Donghae wails. “Kibum’s psychic. He’s going to find out!”
There’s a slight pause before Eunhyuk says in a disbelieving tone: “Psychic. Really.”
“I’m serious! I remember this one time, Kibum knew I’d been the one to finish the cookies in the cookie jar, and I didn’t even have to tell him!”
“…and what are we, six?”
Donghae ignores him. “And this other time, Kibum asked me why I was feeling down, and though I really was feeling down I didn’t even tell him.”
“So then you mean telepathic,” Eunhyuk corrects, and he stands up as Donghae gives him a quizzical look. “Kibum can read your mind, in other words. If he were psychic, he would already know you cheated on him.”
And as Donghae eyes Eunhyuk widely, Eunhyuk shakes his head and gives Donghae his shirt. “If you really care that much about Kibum, then we should probably stop seeing each other like this. But if not, well, I’m a call away. But you sure know how to ruin a mood, you know that?”
Donghae enters their apartment with a helping of hesitancy, because Donghae doesn’t need to be telepath—no, psychic—in order to realize Kibum’s imminent rage towards Donghae’s actions. And though in retrospect Donghae admits that sex with Eunhyuk had been absolutely mind-blowing, in the long scheme of things it probably hadn’t been worth it.
“Cheating on your boyfriend wouldn’t be so hard if he wasn’t telepathic,” Donghae muses to himself, right before he finds himself face to face with Kibum.
And at that instant Donghae does all he possibly can to block the other man from entering his mind. Granted he fails miserably, as Donghae isn’t quite familiar with how exactly to do that, his second best bet is to walk away and distract Kibum with other trivial things.
“Ah Kibum,” Donghae exclaims, perhaps a little too suspiciously; “I see you got the television fixed!” But when Kibum doesn’t reply, Donghae swallows a nut-sized gulp.
He tries again. “Did you remember to ask about those channels that were supposed to be—?”
“Donghae,” Kibum interjects, and the cold in his voice frightens Donghae. “I can’t believe you.”
“Believe me?” Donghae asks nervously, though immediately he realizes it’d been the wrong move. “Ya, Kibum, I can—”
“It’s one thing to go doing that kind of stuff behind my back. It’s another thing to try and hide it from me. But then you go denying it?”
“But Kibum, I—”
“Donghae, no. That’s it. We’re done.”
Though it’s probably the most ironic option he could have chosen, Donghae finds himself getting over his breakup with Kibum by having another go with Eunhyuk. Naturally Donghae is rougher, and naturally Donghae is a little too distraught to make the experience even close to being as mind-blowing as their first time through. But the climax at their finale is the only thing that matters in the end, and it successfully provides Donghae with a feeling other than distress.
They don’t bother with sappy afterglow snuggling, mainly because Eunhyuk already knows Donghae’s bound to ruin any mood they could even hope to establish. And as expected, Eunhyuk finds himself entertaining a Kibum-focused monologue on Donghae’s part, though it isn’t to say it’s a monologue Eunhyuk cares much for.
“He really was telepathic,” Donghae says to Eunhyuk, slowing down on the last word to show the man that he now knows the proper term for Kibum’s abnormality. “I didn’t even have to tell him. The second I got home he snapped, and then he started yelling, and then—”
But before Donghae finishes the scene replays in his mind once more, and though there’s nothing particularly saddening about seeing someone’s backside, the symbolism behind it is enough to set Donghae into tears.
“Shh,” Eunhyuk coos, patting Donghae soothingly. “It’s going to be fine.”
On the street Donghae happens to run into Kibum, and he’s quite shocked to find him hand in hand with a woman he’s never met before. But he doesn’t even register the fact that she’s a woman, nor does it register that only day ago Kibum had been with a guy, namely himself; he’s much too busy staring at this woman, not because she’s a woman or that he finds her attractive (he doesn’t), but because, well, something seems fishy about her.
Naturally, only one conclusion comes to mind, one that triggers dread and panic through Donghae’s alert system. And naturally, because he still cares somewhat for the man, he pulls Kibum aside before the introductions can even be made.
“What’s her name?” he breathes, risking suspicious glances at the woman in the distance. “Where’s she from?”
“Her names Yoojin,” Kibum responds passively. “I don’t know where she’s from. It hasn’t occurred to me to ask her yet. Why do you ask?—and better yet, why am I talking to you?”
“Kibum,” Donghae warns, face filled with seriousness. “Kibum, be careful. She’s… she’s an alien.”
Kibum takes an entire to respond. “An alien. Really, Donghae. An alien.”
“I didn’t think I’d ever meet a real one, either, but she’s definitely an alien. But she only likes you so you’ll join their side, Kibum. Don’t fall for their tricks.”
“Donghae, if this is some stupid scheme you’ve come up with to get me back, I’m not interested.”
“Kibum, please….” Donghae bites his lip. “I really do miss you, but I’m telling the truth.”
“And I don’t believe your truth, Donghae.” A pause. “I’ll see you around, yeah?”
“Yeah… if she doesn’t kidnap you by then.”
Kibum doesn’t bother a response.
This, of course, all happened before Kibum had been declared missing.
“And SM Entertainment’s covering it up by saying Kibum’s busy with his dramas,” Leeteuk explains to the other men in his band. “Naturally, the police can’t do a public investigation for him, or else it makes SM look like idiots. But then again, why the police are acting in favor of SM beats me.”
“I’m telling you!” Donghae yells, and everyone looks to his direction. “He started dating this alien named Yoojin, and I’ve never seen him since. She abducted him, I just know it!”
“Realistically,” Heechul cuts in bitterly, “no one could’ve possibly abducted Kibum. He’s a strong man. He’d have put up a fight. And before you say it Donghae, no, the aliens did not drug him first.”
“Not necessarily aliens,” says Ryeowook, flashing Donghae a sympathetic look before turning back to Heechul, “but you think maybe he had been drugged? He can’t exactly put up a fight if so.”
“It’s possible,” says Leeteuk. Then, after clearing his throat, he adds: “So this is what we’re all going to do. I know we all have busy schedules and all (“Or at least,” Kangin says snidely to Donghae and Eunhyuk, “most of us do.”), but for Kibum’s sake we can probably make a few sacrifices here and there. This being said, we can divide into teams. Heechul, Kangin, and I will look around for plausible reasons for his disappearance. Kangin, you’re okay with going back to the police station, right?”
“What kind of question is that,” Kangin snaps, and Leeteuk only laughs.
“Ryeowook, Yesung, and Kyuhyun. Since you’re all working on putting out KRY’s first CD, I won’t ask you for much. But you think you could manage some sort of database for all the information we come up with?”
“Kyuhyun can do that,” Ryeowook all but chirps. “He’s on his laptop so much, anyway.”
“I hate you,” Kyuhyun mumbles, clearly upset that his StarCraft time has been significantly cut down; on the contrary, Sungmin beams ecstatically.
“Donghae, I’ll let you figure out this Yoojin person, in case you might actually be onto something.” Leeteuk ignores Heechul’s cry of exasperation. “But you’ll have to choose someone to help you, because I don’t want any biases coming from you.”
“Fine.” Donghae glances at Eunhyuk for a moment’s worth before turning back to Leeteuk. “I’ll pick Sungmin, then.”
“Wait, what?” two men ask simultaneously. But Donghae doesn’t answer either of them, instead turning away to avoid further eye contact with Eunhyuk.
Leeteuk emits an amused laugh before continuing. “All right, so I guess Donghae and Sungmin are looking into the Yoojin case. That leaves Eunhyuk, Shindong, and Siwon. Right now I can’t think of anything else to do, so how about for now just help around where you can?—when something comes up, I’ll reform your group.”
“Fair deal,” Eunhyuk replies for the three men, and Donghae doesn’t even need to ask who Eunhyuk plans on helping.
Donghae claimed Yoojin was an alien and had only liked Kibum because she was trying to get Kibum to join the dark side. The last thing Kibum expected was for Donghae to be right.
“Humans are so easily deceived,” Yoojin cackles, and the protruding antennae from her head no longer make her even remotely as attractive as she once was. “Taking over the world should be a piece of cake.”
Kibum, who is currently bound by the wrists, sighs internally to himself.
I can’t believe I’m being held captive on an alien spaceship. Of all things, really.
Yoojin talks to her fellow aliens (something about him being quite the attractive human specimen, Kibum notes to himself), Kibum immediately thinks of Donghae. I can’t believe you were right. I don’t care if you’re cheating on me, or if you don’t ever want to tell me who you were with. If I make it home, I’ll take you back, I swear.
And as he catches a glimpse of the round earth from the spaceship’s window, he clenches shut his eyes.
If only he had telepathic powers.
“Kim Yoojin,” Donghae reads aloud, even though the two men on other side of him are perfectly capable of reading the name themselves. “Says she’s born on the twentieth of April.”
“That’s a day after Zhou Mi’s birthday, isn’t it?” asks Sungmin, but before anyone (Eunhyuk) can answer him Donghae shrieks.
“Look!” he cries, pointing at the screen. “No one knows her education background!”
“That doesn’t say much,” Eunhyuk says with annoyance.
“And look!” Donghae adds, ignoring Eunhyuk. “It says her place of birth is unknown. If that’s not suspicious, I don’t know what is!”
“Assuming the site is credible, at least.”
“But it’s Wikipedia!” Donghae exclaims. “Of course Wikipedia is credible! And if Wikipedia says it’s unknown, then it has to be unknown!”
“We’ll keep looking elsewhere,” Sungmin replies. “Donghae, I know it’s all pointing towards your conclusion, but try to look at everything objectively before jumping towards things you want to believe, all right?”
Sungmin nods. “Anyway, any of you thirsty? I think I’m going to get some water.”
“I’m fine,” Donghae and Eunhyuk reply simultaneously. For a moment they look at each other in surprise, but then Donghae quickly turns away.
A silence falls between the two, a silence left unnoticed by Sungmin, and it’s only when he leaves that the silence is broken by Eunhyuk. “Donghae, you avoiding me?”
“Not really,” is the lie Donghae feeds him. “I was just thinking, it was probably wrong of me to—hey!” and before he finishes he sentence he pulls away from Eunhyuk’s creeping hand that had been upon his thigh.
“You didn’t like it?” Eunhyuk asks, and the face he gives strikes a chord through Donghae’s heart. “I was under the impression you did.”
“Yeah, but I feel bad for going against Kibum, and Sungmin’s right—”
“You guys broke up anyway. It’s no longer cheating. And as for Sungmin, he can join if he wants. He’s sexually frustrated anyway, with all that time Kyuhyun spends playing StarCraft instead of, well, you get the idea.”
“Eunhyuk,” Donghae snaps, but before he can complain further Sungmin returns with a glass of water in hand.
“Any luck?” Sungmin asks in a sweet yet all-knowing voice.
And as Donghae glares at him in an attempt to avoid Eunhyuk’s persistent hand, Eunhyuk innocently replies, “But you didn’t even tell us to do anything!”
“Shindong had this brilliant idea of contacting Han Geng in China,” Leeteuk explains at their next group meeting. “Naturally, there’s no word on Kibum there, though it seems there’re also been abductions over there… some name I can’t pronounce.”
“I contacted Zhou Mi too,” Kyuhyun pipes in, ignoring Sungmin’s death glares. “He said he’d look around, possibly get in touch with Han Geng. Otherwise he said he’d tell me the details later tonight on Skype.”
“You guys talk on Skype?” Sungmin hisses, but Kangin interjects before Kyuhyun can defend himself.
“The station says Kibum’s case is one of a kind in Korea, but we know for a fact there’s a similar issue in China. Heechul and I were thinking this could be something on a global scale, though it’s a little farfetched and illogical. But if there were any way to confirm this, then—”
“I think Henry is currently in Canada visiting relatives,” Wookie cuts in. “I could probably get him to listen to the news over there for strange occurrences and the like.”
“Why are you in contact with Henry?” Yesung whispers in Ryeowook’s direction, perhaps a little too furtively, before Leeteuk approves Ryeowook’s suggestion.
“That sounds good. For now, though: Eunhyuk, Shindong, and Siwon, I think I’m going to have your team deal with international liaisons. Get in contact with everyone outside of Korea, see what’s going on, you know the deal. Shindong: I’m sure you could get loads of info if you asked about it on your Twitter.”
“All right, then. Meeting adjourned.”
Before Donghae manages very far, he hears his name being called. And quite surprisingly, it isn’t Eunhyuk’s.
“I just wanted to apologize,” Sungmin says to Donghae once he catches up to him. “I’ve probably been a little harsh towards you, about the whole alien thing. I guess I haven’t really been giving that possibility a shot.”
“It’s all right,” Donghae replies. “It’s a little hard to believe, I know. Besides, your objectivity is probably a better way of looking at things anyway.”
“Yeah, right.” A pause. “It’s been four days, right?”
“Since he officially disappeared, yeah. I last saw him a week and a half ago. For all we know, it could’ve been before that.”
“Oh, I see.” Another pause. “Hey, Donghae? You wanna get together sometime to rethink this through? Kyuhyun’s spending too much time talking to Zhou Mi and playing StarCraft anyway.”
“…your availability depends on Kyuhyun’s?”
“Yeah, can it Donghae, I’ve heard it all before. So you in?”
“Yeah,” Donghae nods. “I’d like that.”
Donghae doesn’t particularly enjoy living alone, mainly because the answer to “Who ate all the cookies from the cookie jar?” is always “Oh right, me.” Of course, he misses it for other reasons, namely Kibum, but he spends the majority of his time alone in the apartment trying to convince himself that he never has and still doesn’t care for Kibum’s company, even though at the end of each night he always knows that it’s all lies.
Perhaps that’s why, when the doorbell rings unexpectedly, Donghae falls victim to a sliver of hope, an unrealistic feeling that tells him that maybe—just maybe—Kibum’s on the other side of the door. But when reality rains on his parade he remembers that no, Kibum’s not come back to apologize, since the man’s probably stranded on some alien spaceship somewhere in the galaxy.
He gives the peephole a quick check anyway, whether it’s to see if it’s Kibum or to make sure an alien isn’t trying to sneak into his abode. And though he’s both surprised and burdened to find Eunhyuk’s face on the other side, Donghae still finds himself opening the door to let the man in.
“Eunhyuk, why are you—mmph?” but before Donghae can finish Eunhyuk swallows his words. It takes him by surprise, or at least initially, and the moment he realizes what’s going on he tries to pull himself away.
“Relax,” Eunhyuk says softly into his ear, after the two separate for a breath of air.
“But Kibum,” Donghae whines, and it takes all of his efforts to pull away from Eunhyuk’s next kiss. “He’s out there somewhere, and we should be looking for him, and I shouldn’t be—”
“You’re such a mood killer,” Eunhyuk hisses, and before Donghae can protest Eunhyuk catches his mouth once more. Donghae’s attempts at resisting don’t cease, though the second time around Donghae is more passive and unresponsive than he is in resistance. Eunhyuk’s mouth is tempting and dominating, and even with all Donghae’s efforts Eunhyuk’s persuasion still manages a moan out of him.
“Besides,” Eunhyuk whispers into Donghae’s ear, “you didn’t seem to mind when you demanded sex out of me last time.”
“But Kibum wasn’t missing yet,” Donghae says defensively—and exactly when had Eunhyuk’s hands found their way under his shirt?
“So you’re only against it out of guilt?” Eunhyuk asks mischievously, and he prevents Donghae from responding with the clever use of his hands. “Donghae, relax. Really.”
And when one hand finds its way into Donghae’s pants, Donghae completely loses his desire to resist Eunhyuk’s advances.
Donghae wakes up the following morning in high spirits, or at least initially. In his very first moments Donghae doesn’t acknowledge that he even has problems—who the hell is Kibum, anyway?—and even though the sex had been the night prior and not within the last four hours, Donghae is still drenched in blissful thoughts.
Or at least, such is the case before Donghae finds a naked Eunhyuk in his bed.
“Fuck,” Donghae curses, loud enough for the man to wake up. “Damn it, that’s three times now.”
“Consensual twice,” Eunhyuk mutters groggily, rubbing his eyes as he gets into a sitting position; “and the third time was semi-consensual at best. But what’s with this ruckus?”
“This needs to stop,” Donghae breaths, and as he turns away from Eunhyuk Donghae catches a glimpse at the clock. “Fuck, I was supposed to meet with Sungmin this morning.”
“Sungmin?” Eunhyuk asks. “So you’ll meet with him and not me?”
“It’s regarding Kibum,” Donghae snaps, and in an instant he rushes over to his closet, throwing on clothes hurriedly. “Anyway, I don’t have time to wait for you to get out. Make sure you’re gone by the time I get back, all right?—and this really needs to stop, Eunhyuk. You said it yourself: if you really care that much about Kibum, then we should probably stop seeing each other like this.”
“I know,” Eunhyuk replies, sighing. “If only the practice was as easy as the theory.”
“Whatever.” Donghae gets ready and leaves his house without another word, and by then he is no longer under the happier influence he’d woken up under. The frustration of being half an hour later is enough to set him off the edge; throw in Eunhyuk’s attempts in getting him into bed, and then throw in the fact that his attempts always end up successful, and Donghae’s already unhappier than a fish out of water.
The worst part of it all, Donghae decides as he speed walks towards the café they were to meet at, is that what Eunhyuk had said actually holds truth. When Kibum had first broken up with Donghae, he’d willingly turned to Eunhyuk for release (in more ways than one)—he’d consensually deepened the wound. And it really had only been when Kibum had gone missing that Donghae had started to feel guilty for what he’d done with Eunhyuk, what he’s still doing.
He knows the blame is not entirely his own, as Eunhyuk still plays mischievously and unfairly on his part. But being even partially at fault is enough, because it shows Donghae that Kibum had legitimately broken up with him for the right reasons.
“Though Kibum already knows about my guilty conscience, since he’s telepathic and all.” Donghae sighs. “Damn it, why couldn’t I be telepathic, too? Then I could ask him where he is, and he’d be able to tell me.”
Now forty-five minutes late, Donghae enters the café with a grand entrance. And much to his surprise, he doesn’t find Sungmin there.
“Did he get tired of waiting?” Donghae asks to himself, but before he can attempt an answer at his own question his phone rings. And ironically, or perhaps coincidentally, it’s Sungmin.
“Donghae?” Sungmin’s voice asks. “I’m running a little late. I had to take a pit stop at the hospital.”
“Hospital?” Donghae echoes. Then, taking on a more serious tone, he adds, “Why, what happened to you?”
“Not me. Kyuhyun.”
Sungmin laughs breathily into the phone. “Long story. I’m almost there, so I’ll tell you when I get there. I hope I haven’t been keeping you long?”
“I just got here, actually.”
“…really?” A pause. “Well, I can see the café, so I’ll see you in a bit.”
“Yeah, okay.” And true to Sungmin’s word, Donghae only waits for about a minute or two before Sungmin’s not-so-beaming face (and the rest of him, for that matter) burst into the café’s doors.
“Table,” Sungmin mutters, and Donghae nods before turning to the hostess.
“Aren’t you…?” she begins, but Donghae cuts her off.
“No, we’re impersonators. Can we have a table?” And the hostess, who seems torn between believing his story and asking for an autograph or two, silently nods in reluctance and leads the two toward a table at the back. They don’t start conversation immediately; they wait until their drinks are ordered before breaking the silence.
“First things first,” said Donghae. “What happened to Kyuhyun? He didn’t get attacked by aliens, did he?—and that was a joke, by the way.”
“I almost wish that were the case,” Sungmin replies with a laugh. “No, well, I sorta walked in on Kyuhyun talking dirty to Zhou Mi over Skype, and so—”
“What?” Donghae interjects. “Kyuhyun, talking dirty?”
“Yeah….” A pause. “Anyway, when he caught me eavesdropping, he asked me why was it I had a long face, if I was jealous, blah, blah, blah. So then, well, I sorta… threw….”
But Sungmin shook his head. “Nah, it’s embarrassing to say. Anyway, you’ll hear about it soon enough. But basically I got angry, and he had to be rushed to the hospital.”
“Sungmin, everyone knows you have mad martial arts skills. Why is throwing a tantrum embarrassing?”
“…sure, we’ll use that alibi, why not.” And before Donghae can think twice Sungmin clears his throat and redirects the conversation. “Anyway, so about this Kim Yoojin person. I looked on sites other than Wikipedia, and it turns out that no really does know about her past.”
“Of course not,” Donghae replies. “If someone knew stuff about her, the info would’ve been put on Wikipedia already.”
“…right.” Sungmin pauses to sigh. “Anyway, the fact that she’s even on Wikipedia bothers me. She’s only appeared in one commercial, and apparently she was one of the dancers in some gig in London—which is strange, since I watched the gig on YouTube and couldn’t find one person who looked even remotely Korean.”
“But if she was dating Kibum….”
“For like what, a good week and a half? Including the week and half he’s been missing, assuming she hasn’t broken up with him for having disappeared?—and also assuming she’s not the one who kidnapped him, though I’m slowly starting to think you really might be onto something.”
“If you saw her in person, you’d be able to tell she’s an alien.”
“An alien, huh?” their waitress suddenly interjects, placing cups before them. “You’ve even got Donghae’s personality down! Are you sure you aren’t—?”
“I’m not,” Donghae replies. “I couldn’t even give you a fake signature if you wanted one. I never learned that in acting school, see….”
And it takes all of Sungmin’s efforts not to burst into laughter while in the waitress’s presence.
“Can I ask you a question?” Sungmin manages once he lets his laughter loose. “Do you know how Kibum and Yoojin met?”
Donghae shakes his head. “Sadly, no. I was busy… worrying about other things, I guess.” Donghae takes a pause. “Can I ask you a question, too?”
Donghae sighs. “Is it wrong to fool around with someone just to get over someone else?”
“Donghae…” begins Sungmin, and a wave of surprise passes through his face. “Are you telepathic?”
“No. But Kibum is. Why?”
There’re more of them, Kibum mutters to himself, and if Yoojin herself hadn’t squeezed his cheeks five times within the last three hours then he’d have been convinced it’d all been a dream.
But surely enough, it isn’t a dream, and Kibum finds himself forced to watch more than thirty aliens line dancing to the Cha-Cha Slide (or at least, that’s what Yoojin calls it anyway). Though, when Kibum thinks about it, he really doesn’t have a clue what any of this has to do with taking over the world, but while it certainly isn’t the most entertaining show he’s ever watched he can’t complain, because it is certainly better than the Single Ladies dance he’d watched only moments before.
“Donghae,” Kibum says pathetically to no one. “Save me. Please.”
But Donghae doesn’t hear him, naturally, because he’s much too busy watching the Yoojin had supposed participated in.
“And you’re right,” Donghae whispers quickly, his eyes glued to Sungmin’s laptop. “None of them are Korean. You think she’s a shape-shifter?”
“You tell me. You’re the alien specialist, aren’t you?” Sungmin turns back to the screen, and he laughs quietly to himself. “The guys at the sides aren’t exactly discreet, are they?”
“Not really,” Donghae says in agreement. “But you know, for the number of women present, they’ve got decent coordination and synchronization… Yesung could learn a lesson or two, maybe.”
“Yeah, maybe.” A pause. “Hey, Donghae?”
“…never mind, it’s nothing.”