J. Armstrong (genisaurion) wrote in gasume,
J. Armstrong

(randomfic): Prohibition

You can blame lovingmydubu's fic for the mood of this story. It was supposed to be deep and reflective, but... yeah. I read crack, and humor becomes the only thing I want to write.

Title: Prohibition
Pairing: Kihae, kyumin, kangteuk, yewookkoma, henwook
Rating: PG13
Genre: Humor, random
Word Count: 2482
Summary: Donghae implodes a television, and randomness ensues. Yes, yet another fic in which Donghae causes trouble. This should really be a series or something.
Archive:: here


It all begins when Donghae seats himself in front of a television, quipped with the intent of relieving his boredom. He picks up the remote and turns on the television with high hopes, but is displeased to find a commercial blaring its nonsense into his ears. Frustrated, Donghae flips the channels for something to watch, but in the end he's only graced with more and more commercials.

As a result, Donghae settles with calling Kibum.

"Kibummmm," Donghae whines into the phone when the other man picks up. "Why is it that every single channel has commercials playing at the same time?"

"I don't know," is Kibum's characteristically short and uninformative response. "Donghae, why did you call me."

"Because I was bored? And I was curious about that question?"

"You couldn't just ask me that in person?"

"...oh, right." Donghae hangs up the phone, sighs, and then turns to the other end of the couch he's seated on. "Kibummie, why is it that--?"

"Not now, Donghae, I'm watching the CF." Initially Donghae picks up the remote to change the channel, to prove to Kibum the point that he should be more important than some CF with a chick holding a cell phone. And though it isn't exactly surprising coming from Donghae, the fact that the "change of channels" becomes the "blackening of the television screen" and the "slight smoke rising from the television" is enough to send Kibum into an uproar.

It doesn't take long before thirteen other men are made aware of the television's implosion, and needless to say the rage Donghae receives is quite unpleasant. Not to say that everyone becomes angry at Donghae; Heechul in particular cares little to none about Donghae's incident, as a broken television has no effect in his ability to access his CyWorld. Similarly, Henry does not mind a broken television, since he watches episodes of English dramas online anyway.

But the general consensus is anger, and Kibum does nothing to defend Donghae; on the contrary, Kibum is also against him, as he can no longer watch himself on the weekly episodes of his latest drama. Hyukjae takes particular offense to a broken television, though his reasons remain hidden in the DVD cases he hides behind his back.

Incidentally, Siwon is the only one for the destruction of the television, and he tries to explain to his bandmates that they should take the opportunity to open their hearts to God without the distraction of the television. But his efforts are immune to Hankyung and Kangin, and no one really climbs aboard his bandwagon except Donghae, who's desperate for an alibi.

However, the most interesting claims out of the fifteen men is by far Yesung's, who is angered by the destroyed television because of the bedtime programs he won't be able to watch.

"But not for me," Yesung says defensively when the other members give him questioning looks ("Yesung, I know we're trying to keep up with modern technology and all, but don't you think bedtime stories do the job better?"). "Without Animal Planet*, Ddangkoma won't be able to fall asleep at night!"

"How can Ddangkoma fall asleep if he's pretty much dead?" Ryeowook asks somewhere in the chaos, but no one hears him.

Heechul only becomes violent when Leeteuk comes up with this brilliant idea of limiting the amount of energy used in the dorms until the television is repaired. And naturally, since Heechul's mood is affected, the "limited use of energy" includes the prohibition of laptops.

"We sang an entire song on saving energy," Leeteuk offers as an explanation after Heechul comes storming into his room. "Might as well start practing what we sing."

"To set the record straight: YOU sang that song. Not me."

And naturally, in the end, Heechul blames Donghae for his inaccessibility to his CyWorld.

Out of everyone in the group, Sungmin and Kyuhyun manage the best out of the fifteen men. At first everyone finds the latter surprising ("Apparently it is possible for Kyuhyun to live without Starcraft."), though after Kangin's and Zhou Mi's explanations the phenomenon becomes much more expected than it'd initially been.

"It's like a blackout," says Kangin. "When the power's out, what else do you do?"

"As they say," says Zhou Mi. "Make like rabbits?"

And though only Ryeowook is innocent enough to not understand the implications of these explanations, after the first night of the "limited use of energy" Ryeowook becomes perfectly aware of how exactly Kyuhyun and Sungmin manage to pass the time.

"Kibummie," Donghae complains on day two, sitting cross-legged on his bed and giving the younger man a puppy-pout most normal people can't ignore.

"Yah, Donghae, what do you want?"

"I'm bored."

"Then you shouldn't have imploded the television."

Donghae sighs, shaking his head. "Sorry... but hey, do you wanna--?"

"No," Kibum interjects, and before Donghae can say another word Kibum leaves the bored man to his own.

And it's then that a once-puppy-pout turns into a genuine pout, and Donghae mutters a "Is he angry with me?" before starting a game of Go-Fish with Haeki the stuffed alien.

Leeteuk goes absolutely ballistic when he comes home at the end of the second day to find Yesung perched in front of a laptop, though Kangin prefers to call Leeteuk's reaction as being "motherly and stern" over "ballistic."

Yesung tries to defend himself, yelling "I forgot about the ban, I swear I forgot, it was an accident!" rather incoherently over Leeteuk's motherly shrieks, though in the end his attempts are futile and Yesung finds himself being "grounded" and "sent to his room."

"If you keep calling me mother I'll start calling you the father," Leeteuk snaps after Kangin teases him for the "punishment" he'd given Yesung. "And you better believe it when I say I won't help you explain that one to Heechul and Hankyung, who'll both be sons older than you are**."

"I'll call them adopted," says Kangin dismissively. "And by calling them sons, you've accepted your role as mother, correct?"

Leeteuk only scowls.

On day three Kibum still refuses to make conversation with Donghae, which only leaves the older man at a saddened state. And needless to say, though he treasures the company of Haeki the stuffed Alien and Dongbum the stuffed fish, he really much prefers the company of Kibum his lover instead.

"You know what I hate?" Hyukjae says to Shindong after the former's dental check up. "I hate when the hygienist tries to make conversation with you while she's all up in your mouth. And what's worse is when they ask you questions that actually require an answer. Not like "Does this hurt," but like "What's the name of your favorite fish that dwells in the Great Coral Reef?"

"And you know what I hate?" Shindong replies in the same level tone. "I hate when they tell me I can't eat for the two hours immediately following the checkup because I've got some peppermint polish coated on my teeth."

"Dentists suck," the two conclude, all before resorting to a game of arm wrestling.

As a mother, Leeteuk is capable of using the PMS excuse without anyone questioning his bitchiness. But coming from Hankyung, it's an entirely different matter.

"Heechul says I can't cook Beijing Fried Rice!" Hankyung complains angrily, waving a spatula in the air to prove his point. "You're telling me I have to give up eating just to save the earth? Why can't the earth save me?"

"Go ask your father," Leeteuk says dismissively, and it comes to no surprise when Hankyung blinks at him several times in confusion.

And Kangin, deciding that he might as well have some fun, steps forward and gives a meek wave. "I'm your new daddy... hyung."

Possibly out of guilt, but mostly out of boredom, Donghae leaves the dorms to find replacement televisions. But what he finds in the process shocks him, though not enough to go telling on Leeteuk.

Instead Donghae sneaks up behind the unaware man (who is busy watching the television), waits a few moments, and then proceeds in pouncing on the man's back.

"Busted!" Donghae exclaims with a grin, but it fades quickly.


"Oh... sorry," Donghae apologizes. "Wrong Kibum."

"I don't understand!" Hankyung exclaims in broken Korean, and apparently the angrier Hankyung is the more Chinese he becomes. "Why are you the father? You aren't next in age order."

"Because fathers are usually romantically involved with their wives? -- don't look at me, this was entirely your mother's idea."

"Don't go blaming me for things I did! As the father you're supposed to take it like a man and accept . . ."

"You aren't even next in age order!" Heechul yells as he walks up to the three of them. "Why aren't I the father?"

"Because you're too womanly-looking to be the father."

"So then why aren't I the father?"

"Because you do ballet."

"Yesung," begins Ryeowook, shaking his head as he tries to stay awake. "Don't you think you've had enough fun with Ddangkoma for one night?"

"But I can't just leave him on his own," Yesung explains, stroking the turtle's shell once more. "I mean, he can't watch his bedtime shows, so he can't sleep. He's gonna get lonely."

"But Yesung!" Ryeowook whines. "I'm going to get lonely!"

What Ryeowook has in mind, ideally, is Yesung's immediate dropping of his pet, an exaggerate dash to Ryeowook's side, and a dramatic apology, accompanied with an embrace that proves Yesung's undying love for him.

What Ryeowook doesn't expect, is all of that while juggling Ddangkoma between his hands.

"You are not kissing me with that turtle in your hand," Ryeowook seethes when Yesung attempts to seal the distance between them.

"But, but, Ddangkoma wants you too...." And if Ddangkoma itself had not been a cockblock, then the kissy faces Yesung tries to force out of the turtle certainly are.

It's only on day four that Leeteuk remembers to call a technician to repair the television.

"Leave it to the mother to forget to do chores!" Kangin calls from somewhere in the bathroom ("Mothers can do all chores except de-clogging the toilet!"),

"And leave it to the father to complain about his work!" Leeteuk snaps back, very much in the I'm-the-mother-and-my-word-is-final tone that causes Kangin to lose his retort.

"Kibum!" Donghae exclaims, making sure that it is in fact his Kibum before glomping the man. "I'm sorry for whatever I did, and I promise I won't ever--"

"Donghae," interjects Kibum, "I don't have a clue what you're going on about."

"But, but, but, weren't you ignoring me because you were mad at me?"

Kibum laughs. "Ignoring you? Nah. If you really want to know... I was visiting the electronics shop so I could watch my CF."

"Oh." A pause. "Hey, you want to buy a television with me? I know I promised Haeki and Dongbum to another game of Go Fish, but I think they can wait."

"Haeki? Dongbum?" But before Kibum can word the questions forming in his head Donghae pulls Kibum away by the sleeve.

Ryeowook is sneaky, or at least he thinks he is. And so, when Yesung isn't looking, he reaches into Ddangkoma's tank and darts away before he's caught.

However, in the process, Ryeowook effectively runs into Henry in the hallway, which sends Ddangkoma flying into the air.

"Shit!" Ryeowook yells, even though only moments before he'd wanted to get rid of the turtle in an attempt to get Yesung's attention. But it all seemed different in slow motion, with the poor turtle flailing (supposedly, at least) helplessly in the air....

Somehow Ddangkoma manages to land in a bug-catching net, which Zhou Mi has somehow managed to brandish from thin air.

"I use it to catch Hyaku whenever I have to babysit it," Zhou Mi explains in passing. "All because Sungmin can't keep an eye on his damn cat while he's busy having love made for him...." And as the mental image festers in Ryeowook's brain, Zhou Mi darts away to chase after the cat.

A few moments pass, and then: "Why are you holding Yesung's turtle, Ryeowook?"

On day five, Heechul is caught in an internet cafe updating his CyWorld.

"You never said we couldn't use computers outside the dorms!" Heechul protests as Leeteuk drags him back home by the ear. "Damnit, Leeteuk, you're a terrible mother!"

"Yesung!" Ryeowook yells, storming into their room. "You can have your stupid turtle."

"Not stupid!" Yesung yells instinctively. But then, after a moment, the weight begins to sink in. "Wait... are you leaving me?"

"YES, FOR HENRY," is all Ryeowook responds with, and before Yesung can even question Ryeowook's sudden sentiment the younger man is out the door.

The very instant Donghae and Kibum haul a newly bought television into the dorms, the technician rings the doorbell.

"SO UNCOORDINATED OF A MOTHER," Heechul, Kangin, and Hankyung all chime in at once, and Leeteuk PMS's at them all before retreating to his room for alone time.

The first thing fifteen men watch is the news.

"In other news," says a rather skimpy looking woman dressed in black leather, "Reports from around the world claim an excessive amount of angry Twitter users have arisen, demanding the Korean government for an explanation of Super Junior's Shindong's lack of tweets."

"And that," Shindong cuts in, just as Donghae reaches for the remote to switch the channel, "is why this should never happen again."

"But look at it this way," says Siwon, looking up from his pocket bible. "Because you were honest and true to yourself, God rewarded you with some screen time, whereas with Heechul, no one cared whether he'd been absent from CyWorld."

"I didn't want a gift from your God anyway," Heechul mutters under his breath, just as Donghae asks Kibum "Why do all news stations report the exact same news at the same time?"

"And you couldn't just ask this in person...?"

"...oh, right."

In the end, Leeteuk realizes that he isn't the best mother he'd made himself out to be, though the finishing blow had been when he found out Kyuhyun had been sneaking to the internet cafe (ironically, the same one Heechul had been found in) to satisfy his Starcraft urges. But this news had been more devastating of a blow to Sungmin, who had taken the information as having not been satisfactory enough in bed.

(And it takes Kyuhyun about three consecutive make-like-rabbits sessions to convince Sungmin that he, in fact, craves Sungmin more than Starcraft).

But Ryeowook doesn't quite get the same stroke of luck, because as it turns out Henry's obsession with some TV show called LOST is much worse than Yesung's obsession with Ddangkoma. And so in the end he leaves Henry and returns to Yesung, and though the presence of Ddangkoma still irks him somewhat he learns to deal with it in time.


* I'm not familiar with television channels in Korea, so consider Animal Planet as a filler for its relative equivalent in Korea? XD
** This dialogue hits pretty close to home, as I'm tehgirlwonder's adopted son yet am somehow older than her.

A product of late night, as it's almost 5am here. This is DEFINITELY not how this story was supposed to turn out XD

Comments are love? XD (Also, if you have time, could you check this out? It's for my next crack fic. Thanks <3)
Tags: genre: crack, genre: humour, genre: romance, ot3: ddangkoma/ryeowook/yesung, pairing: donghae/kibum, pairing: henry/ryeowook, pairing: kangin/leeteuk, pairing: kyuhyun/sungmin, rating: pg-13, type: one-shot
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